DVSA set to replace theory test with radical new ‘common sense’ test

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The DVSA is set to replace the theory test with a more general ‘common sense’ test, following an unprecedented rise in road-going idiocy and inexplicable driving behaviour from a small minority of motorists who have, as usual, absolutely ruined it for everyone.

The radical new plan will see the compulsory theory test – introduced in 1997 and the first step to driving on UK roads – binned in favour of a series of simple questions designed to probe whether drivers are able to deploy the most basic tenets of sensible, decent and responsible motoring.

“We shouldn’t have to replace a staple process for learning to drive with a simple questionnaire designed to probe whether someone is able to follow the most basic principles of driving, but here we are,” a DVSA spokesperson said.

“Undertaking. Erratic lane changes. Tailgating. Driving the wrong way down a one-way street. Camping out in the middle lane. Slowing down to look at a crash on the other side. Goodness me, the more I think about it the more depressed I get.”

Examples of questions currently under consideration for the new test include ‘Do you think 'Track Mode' is acceptable in a 30mph residential area?’, and ‘Is re-joining a flowing motorway from a hard shoulder at 0mph a) a good idea, or b) catastrophically, biblically dangerous and to be avoided at all costs?’

Motorists who have expressed an interest in one day owning an Audi or BMW will be given further checks to ensure they are capable of operating indicator stalks, and under what circumstances they should be applied.