Gran Turismo Movie to be 11 hours of adjusting spring rates on 1990 Mazda RX-7

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The upcoming Gran Turismo movie will be an 11-hour epic of one player constantly fine-tuning the spring rates on a 1990 Mazda RX-7 FC, sources have revealed.

The long-awaited adaptation is said to eschew any actual character development, plot, story or traditional narrative structure in favour of endless footage showcasing one player grinding out credits in a medium grey Japanese sportscar by driving around a fictional circuit for hours on end.

Early versions of the story saw Gran Turismo as a 12-part, big-budget prestige television series along the lines of Game of Thrones but was canned in favour of watching someone race around Grand Valley Speedway for half a day, interspersed with the occasional massive off into the barriers and a pause to replenish on microwave pizza.

“We wanted to give moviegoers the most authentic Gran Turismo experience possible,” a PlayStation source told TopGear.com, “and nothing’s more ‘Gran Turismo’ than catatonically adjusting chassis settings on a pixelated racing car attempting to gain tenths of a second against late-Nineties videogame AI.

“Only when you’ve watched someone fine-tune a host of chassis settings in a dimly-lit room for 11 hours straight and your eyes and brain have been dried to a crisp can you experience the full gaming experience.”

Early reports have suggested the 11-hour Gran Turismo movie will pay homage to The Sopranos by ending with an off-screen parent shouting “dinosaur nuggets are ready” and then suddenly cutting straight to black.