Gran Turismo Movie to be 11 hours of adjusting spring rates on 1990 Mazda RX-7
Confirmation that long-awaited game-to-film adaptation will be hardcore fan service
Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring
The upcoming Gran Turismo movie will be an 11-hour epic of one player constantly fine-tuning the spring rates on a 1990 Mazda RX-7 FC, sources have revealed.
The long-awaited adaptation is said to eschew any actual character development, plot, story or traditional narrative structure in favour of endless footage showcasing one player grinding out credits in a medium grey Japanese sportscar by driving around a fictional circuit for hours on end.
Early versions of the story saw Gran Turismo as a 12-part, big-budget prestige television series along the lines of Game of Thrones but was canned in favour of watching someone race around Grand Valley Speedway for half a day, interspersed with the occasional massive off into the barriers and a pause to replenish on microwave pizza.
“We wanted to give moviegoers the most authentic Gran Turismo experience possible,” a PlayStation source told TopGear.com, “and nothing’s more ‘Gran Turismo’ than catatonically adjusting chassis settings on a pixelated racing car attempting to gain tenths of a second against late-Nineties videogame AI.
“Only when you’ve watched someone fine-tune a host of chassis settings in a dimly-lit room for 11 hours straight and your eyes and brain have been dried to a crisp can you experience the full gaming experience.”
Early reports have suggested the 11-hour Gran Turismo movie will pay homage to The Sopranos by ending with an off-screen parent shouting “dinosaur nuggets are ready” and then suddenly cutting straight to black.
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