HS2 scrapped and replaced with train of Dacia Sanderos

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The entirety of the HS2 rail link between London and Birmingham is to be scrapped and replaced with a train of Dacia Sanderos welded together, the government has announced.

The move will slash tens of billions of pounds off the ballooning cost of the project, and could - in the words of an insider - free up enough funds to make the under-threat Phase 2 leg to Manchester “potentially worth bothering with after all”.

Although the Sandero train won’t be capable of anything like the 200mph+ speeds that HS2 initially promised, exclusive use of the hard shoulder along the M1 and M6 will allow passengers to point and laugh at miserable drivers stuck in traffic.

Apparently transport chiefs believe this’ll make commuters and voters alike forget that journey times of 52 minutes between the UK’s two biggest cities were ever thought possible, never mind pledged by successive administrations.

“Replacing HS2 with a train of Sanderos makes so much sense,” said the insider. “When the idea was first mentioned in the office we all laughed, but it slowly dawned on us that it would solve literally all of our problems.

“We’ll complete the work under budget, there’s no need to bulldoze through mile after mile of green belt, and keeping a Sandero in good nick is child’s play compared to a state-of-the-art train carriage.

“Sadly there’ll be no food or drinks service on the Sandero train, but once you’ve paid for the ticket you won’t be able to afford bottled water or a Snickers anyway. Win win.”

Asked if the leg to Manchester could now go ahead as planned, the insider said: “Hmm, we’re still not sure. Lot of potholes to fix in the north, you see. A spare wheel on a boggo Sandero is 300 quid these days, so we’re running the numbers to see what’s cheapest.”