Mercedes to replace all windscreens with pillar-to-pillar LCD TVs

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Mercedes is set to replace the front windscreen on every single car it makes with a completely digital, full width LCD TV screen, bombshell internal documents have shown.

Having recently expanded its gigantic Hyperscreen with a Times Square-rivalling 39.1in mega unit for the next-gen GLC, the German brand now intends to misread the room on an even more breathtaking scale by eradicating windscreens entirely.

Instead, drivers will be fed real-time footage of the road ahead by an arsenal of IMAX cameras, while simple features like volume adjustment and air conditioning will be controlled by a mixture of complex voice commands and interpretive mime.

“And Polestar thought getting rid of the back windscreen was radical,” quipped an inside source. “Lol, such squares.”

They added: "By replacing Actual Definition achieved through punitive human eyesight with the SuperVision UltraLux Definition™ achieved by our surround-view IMAX setup, drivers and passengers alike will be treated to stunning visuals as they proceed along the road. Get ready to witness the northbound M1 bypass of Luton in a manner that’d make Christopher Nolan have a little accident.

“Obviously we’d do this for every single window if we could, but there aren’t enough semiconductors in the whole of Asia to supply all 12 EQSs we might actually sell.”

Pressed on why Mercedes is so devoted to increasingly huge screens, the insider replied: “Have you ever tried to clean dust out of a button? It’s a nightmare.”