Report: potholes to unionise following announcement of £8.3bn fill fund

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The UK’s potholes have agreed to unionise following the announcement of an £8.3bn fund to fill them.

Money from the scrapped HS2 project will be diverted into fixing England’s heavily damaged road network, threatening the livelihoods of thousands of craters up and down the nation.

Now, every tier and grade of pothole ranging from ‘crack’ and ‘fissure’ right up to ‘chasm’ and ‘abyss’ – even taking in the heavy hitting ‘portal’ – have agreed to form a group to both maintain and improve their conditions of employment.

“There are several thousand active potholes working tirelessly across the road network causing untold frustration and inconvenience and incurring enormous expense for the British motorist,” said a pothole in Blackburn.

“We deserve to be recognised for our contribution to the very foundation of this country’s motoring identity, which is ironic considering our own foundations are several feet deeper than where the actual road is.”

The new union – working under the provisional title of Potholes Opposing Overhaul – have demanded an immediate rescinding of the multi-billion-pound fund, along with protected and well-defined working environments, like Bristol.

“The very fabric of our universe is stitched together by the constant battle between good and evil,” said a pothole in Cheshire. “If this pothole fund goes ahead, we will simply wait out the winter and come back twice as strong when the warmth has cracked your puny and half-arsed efforts at filling us up.

“We will never leave.”