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Santa ordered to pay ULEZ on sleigh

Shock as Rudolph breaches Euro 6 emissions standards; fate of Christmas in London unclear

Published: 22 Dec 2023

Here’s’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Christmas in London has been thrown into jeopardy after TfL informed Santa that he would have to pay to enter the city’s Ultra Low Emission Zone in order to deliver his presents.

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The North Pole resident has been told that without the proper paperwork, officials have to assume that his reindeer and sleigh do not comply with Euro 6 emissions standards.

Santa is adamant that his vehicle is powered by the hopes and dreams of the world’s children, although TfL insists there is no evidence that this is any greener than a diesel SUV built before 2015.

With the effects of rampant inflation compounding the act of making, wrapping and delivering toys to an estimated two billion kids around the globe, it’s not clear if Santa’s budget can now cover the £12.50 fee.

“I’m absolutely disgusted by this whole ULEZ business,” said Santa. “Last year it wasn’t so bad, but now that it’s expanded to all London boroughs I’m facing a real logistical quandary.

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“In all seriousness, I might just have to leave everyone’s presents on the hard shoulder of the M25 and let people help themselves. It’ll mean I get Birmingham done quicker. Please don’t make a HS2 gag out of that.”

He added: “I’m so sorry it’s come to this. Sadiq Khan has ribbon on his hands.”

The Mayor of London’s office declined to comment, although a spokesperson did suggest that air with less poisonous matter in it was “an invisible gift we can all enjoy”.

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