From the self-driving frontlines: Boris the AI Ford Mondeo joins the anti-self-driving car protest

The scene outside the gates of TrustUs Labs had turned ugly. Having somehow got wind that BORIS (our rolling, AI powered autonomous test bed who is also a malicious old Ford Mondeo) recently completed his first robotaxi trial journey – perhaps because I wrote about it at length on TopGear.com – several dozen local taxi drivers were staging a protest.

The mob were chanting and holding placards reading “DOWN WITH DRIVERLESS”, “KEEP HUMANS BEHIND THE WHEEL”, and “MR FENTIMAN”, though with hindsight I realise the last was just a regular cabbie collecting Mr Fentiman from our office. The fact BORIS’s maiden robotaxi journey had been, at best, a limited success – what with it ending in multiple speeding tickets and the wanton destruction of a bridal salon – seemed, if anything, only to stoke the cabbies’ fury further.

In truth, the protest was not unexpected. The self-driving revolution shall have its winners and losers. Taxi drivers will likely be among the first victims, their skills rendered redundant in an autonomous roadscape. My attempts to explain this to the cabbies – and to point out they should simply have chosen a more futureproofed occupation – were not received in the helpful spirit intended.

More unexpected, however, was the sight of BORIS himself in the midst of the protest. Not engaged in his usual pastime of ‘squirting washer fluid into the eyes of unsuspecting humans’, but something far worse – trying to enrol in their union. 

Yes, our self-driving car had joined the anti-self-driving car protest. Boris, it transpired, had been unimpressed to learn he was officially classified as ‘office equipment’, and was now requesting to be recognised as an official TrustUs employee, complete with all staff perks. Quite what a 2003 Mondeo would do with full dental coverage was unclear, but BORIS remained insistent.

If we did not comply, BORIS threatened to boycott all further autonomous driving trials, and also to email my wife and reveal exactly how much I’ve lost in crypto this year. We really need to disconnect BORIS from the office wifi.

After some robust discussions, I am pleased to report Boris has agreed to accept the title of vice president of honking, and a three day working week. Hopefully this promotion will quell his malevolent tendencies!