Stellantis to run Squid Game-style contest to decide which brand survives

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Stellantis is set to introduce a Squid Game-style contest to determine which one of its many brands it’ll keep for the future.

After posting a bruising drop in sales and admitting difficult times lay ahead, the automotive behemoth has taken a leaf out of Netflix’s binge-worthy hit series and decided to set its 14 brands against each other in a fight to the death.

“Yeah, 14 brands under one roof. Bit much really,” an insider admitted. “Do you know how hard it is to actually make a car? A good one? Like, really, any clue? And good ones for 14 brands?

“Impossible. So yeah, we’re just going to quietly knock this whole thing on the head. Pit them all against each other and keep whichever one’s left. We’re hoping it’s Fiat or Jeep, but really, at this point we’re not that bothered.

“We had three or so alright years, but we’re going out in style. Squid Game-style.

“Our version of Red Light, Green Light will be an unnecessarily stringent emissions test with the loser’s entire range being pelted with rocks by a giant, laughing, animatronic WLTP robot.

“We’ll host a Dalgona round, but instead of cutting out delicate, fragile candies in a deadly time trial, we’ll just turn every production line up to 11 and see which ones hold and which break.

“Tug of War? Come on, we’ve got a truck brand in our stable. Things will get ugly.”

It is understood whichever brand fails first will be kept on as a boutique, low volume restomod operation.