‘Well done, clowns’: DVSA introduces IQ test for owners of 500bhp+ family SUVs

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The DVSA is set to announce mandatory IQ tests for anyone in possession of a family SUV producing more than 500bhp, insiders have revealed.

It follows an unprecedented rise in road-going idiocy and inexplicable driving behaviour from a small minority of motorists who have, as usual, absolutely ruined it for everyone.

The radical new plan will see compulsory intelligence exams for applicable owners to test their understanding of the basic laws of motion and assess their ability to follow the most rudimentary tenets of common sense.

One example given by officials is that ‘Track’ mode in a large, tall car weighing close to three tonnes is “probably a bit unnecessary” when travelling through a 30mph residential area.

“Currently anybody able to take up an attractive lease offer can get themselves into an overpowered, street-legal space shuttle without ever understanding basic principles of speed, mass, geography and public decorum.

“We've had a few reports of drivers of such cars fishtailing out of junctions and nearly swiping everyone around them because they did not fully comprehend the notion that 500bhp+ on a wet road in an inexplicably large car will end up in a spin if you just bury the throttle.

“Most people with even a passing interest in the workings of dynamics could have spotted this. Not these people. So we're going to have to ruin it for everyone.

“Slow clap. Well done, clowns.”