‘Why does no one love me?!’ wails heartbroken Alpine F1 car

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The Alpine A522 in the middle of the Alonso-Alpine-Piastri saga is overcome with grief after being dumped twice in as many days.

It was shocked to learn that the Spanish driver was breaking up with it - the third time he has done so - after falling for the advances of a recently single Aston Martin on Monday.

“I’m utterly heartbroken,” sniffed the A522. “Fernando promised he would change. ‘Third time’s a charm’, he kept saying. I should’ve seen it coming. Oh why didn’t I see it coming?!”

After taking a minute to regain its composure, it continued: “It was the same excuses as before: ‘I want to win’ this, ‘El Plan’ that, blah, blah, blah. It’s all nonsense, he’s only doing it for the money.”

The Alpine believed it would find a shoulder to cry on in the form of reserve driver Oscar Piastri, but the 21-year-old Australian has seemingly got engaged to a McLaren in secret.

Sobbing through a handkerchief, the Alpine explained: “Oscar was my backup option, you know? If neither of us are married before the 2023 season, that sort of thing…

“But now he’s denied all knowledge of our agreement and wants nothing to do with me. Why do I only attract these timewasters?

“I’ll never love again. Unless Daniel Ricciardo wants me back, I hear he’s having a rough time too.”