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An actual professor has created 'Britain's perfect car' and oh god our eyes

Unholy mash-up combines good bits into something very bad

“The nation’s perfect car has been revealed,” proclaims the press release, “following a three-month research project using the expertise of a leading expert in the psychological analysis of images, as well as the opinions of over 2,000 Britons.”

And here it is, Britain’s perfect car, revealed following a three-month research project using the expertise of a leading expert in the psychological analysis of images, as well as the opinions of over 2,000 Britons.

It’s, um… yes. Isn’t it?

We’re told that the University of Stirling’s Professor Peter Hancock – the aforementioned ‘leading expert in the psychological analysis of images’ (which we think translates as ‘has eyes’) – “conducted research amongst 2,000 respondents in order to find out their favourite cars, including which features they favour most”.

The good Professor then analysed some 3,800 pieces of feedback, “looking at everything from size, shape and colour, to headlight dimensions, door symmetry, wing mirror elevation and windscreen angle.” 

Hancock then, we’re told, used ‘specialist computer software’ and ‘an algorithm’ to create this CGI image of ‘the nation’s perfect car’.

What specialist computer software this was – and indeed what algorithm he used – remains unclear. Top Gear suggests both should be destroyed for the good of humanity.

Of course, the obvious thing to do here would be to play a fun game of ‘name the parts’. But that would require you looking at the above image for longer than strictly necessary, and Top Gear does not wish to be held responsible for any ocular damage incurred.

So we’ll give the game away. The glorious creation above employs the ‘front section’ of an Aston DB9, the roof and windows of a Lambo Gallardo, a Triumph Spitfire’s rear, Mini Cooper headlights, an Audi A1’s rear lights, the doors from a Rolls Phantom, Range Rover Evoque wheels, and the wing mirrors of a Citroen C4 Picasso. Because who doesn’t love the C4 Picasso’s wing mirrors?

“Everyone likes to talk about what their dream car would look like, but not everyone can live that dream,” says Charlotte Fielding of Privilege car insurance, the firm that unwisely commissioned this ‘research’. “This got us thinking: if costs like the purchase price and insurance weren’t a factor, what would the perfect car look like? Now we know, and the results are really striking.”

Striking. Yep, that’s one word for it. Top Gear can think of several others. Anyone else reminded of The Homer?

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