Opinion: I tried Tesla Autopilot on home turf, and it behaved way better than in Britain

Recently, I drove a Tesla again. And it drove me. One of those experiences was more memorable than the other.

Cards on the table: I am a ‘self-driving car’ sceptic. Yes, it’s probably inevitable eventually, but not in my lifetime. Yes, there are already Waymos whizzing people about in San Francisco. Teslas have completed billions of fleet miles under Autopilot’s control. Mercedes has a Level 4 Autonomous programme beavering away in Nevada, with green running lights ablaze so state troopers don’t pull drivers over for watching Netflix as they cruise by.

But the heady days of 2015-2019 or thereabouts are over. When Ford, Nissan, and everyone, in fact, was scrambling to catch up to Tesla, squabbling over the ‘who should a robocar kill?’ trolley conundrum and blindly promising a hoard of robotaxis by 2020. I think about this sometimes when the news warns me there’s an AI bubble.

My scepticism sprouts from the fact I’m British, I live in Britain, and therefore I drive on some of Europe’s worst roads, in all of Europe’s dreariest weather. Tyre-crippling potholes, low winter sun glare, driving rain, broken white lines, faded junction markings and poorly drained aquaplane-happy motorways are a daily fact of life here. And that’s before you factor in the fellow motorist.

So my self-driving car position has remained ‘sure, in sunny California, on a dry day. But not all the time, anywhere'.

When I last tried Tesla Autopilot in the UK a few years ago, it was flawed. It insisted on centring the car in its lane, leaving no room while queuing in traffic for lane-splitting motorbikes and cyclists. It was too hesitant to perform overtakes, dawdling latently in the middle lane. It was both unassertive and inconsiderate. Frankly, it fitted in among British motorists like a parsnip in a tray of roast potatoes. Unwelcome, but blending right in.

But last month I had some boring commuter miles to do in semi-rural Michigan and thought I’d give it the benefit of the doubt, since the latest Model 3 Performance is the very zenith of ‘just because it’s fast doesn’t make it fun’. Thoroughly icked by the synthetic steering and bored of the joyless powertrain, I set the nav, tugged the stalk, and let the code take over.

And on home turf, even in grimy autumn, with low sun and mucky roads, Autopilot is pretty sensational. It’s somehow more confident on US roads than the student-driver spec hesitancy we get in the UK, and thinks for itself uncannily, solving problems, using initiative.

I asked it to navigate to a hotel that’d only recently finished construction. The Model 3 wasn’t sure the parking lot was open (it was) but to be on the safe side, it took the next turning and parked up at a store across the street, neatly in the middle of the bay. “Hmm, I think this is as close as I can get you – will this do?” it seemed to say earnestly. Forget OpenAI’s Sora – this is convincing artificial intelligence.

On another occasion it was whooshing me down the inside lane of a freeway when, about half a mile ahead, I spotted a semi truck stranded on the hard-shoulder with its hazard lights flashing and the driver inspecting something about the trailer.

In the time it took my eyes to focus on this little vignette, the Tesla indicated, pulled out and straddled the inside and middle lane until it had passed the potential hazard. Not a full lane change. Merely a courteous ‘I’m going to give this poor guy more space just in case’ hedging of bets. Like a considerate human would.

Frankly, at times it was too polite. Too old-school British. Gridlocked in a four-way crossroad jam, the guy in the pick-up truck next to me speculatively put his indicator on. There was nowhere for him to go, nowhere I could give way, so after 20 seconds he turned it back off. But when the traffic got moving again a minute or so later… the Tesla didn’t. It sat patiently waiting to acknowledge the truck-driver’s cancelled request to cut in front. I would never have chosen to do that… so this Model 3 is now more altruistic than me.

Through gritted teeth, I was very impressed. I got comfortable with it. My shoulders dropped, my grip on the wheel relaxed. I can honestly see why outwardly normal people get complacent and fall asleep or watch movies in these things at 80 miles an hour.

I still stubbornly think the notion that ‘all cars will be driving themselves in ten years’ is fanciful. There are too many variables: weather, tech, and legal red tape. But while I’ve been looking the other way, wow. That’s some progress. Hands off my job, algorithm.