Formula One reveals new Takeshi’s Castle qualifying format

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his weekly, mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Eager to spice up Saturday’s televised session and attract new audiences, Formula One has revealed a new qualifying format based on Eighties Japanese gameshow Takeshi’s Castle, TopGear.com can exclusively reveal.

Buoyed by Drive To Survive’s successful capture of the youth demographic, F1 bosses plan to replace the traditional Q1/Q2/Q3 set-up with a series of comical physical challenges involving giant inflatable orbs and amusingly painful consequences.

“Traditionally, qualifying sessions have involved complicated fuel, timing and tyre calculations followed by one-lap heroics. To anyone born after 1971, this is, frankly, a bit tedious to watch,” our definitely real F1 insider revealed.

“No, what our new audiences want is drivers dressed up as comedy birds being zip-wired across a ravine while being shot at by trained guards with paintball guns,” he added.

The exciting new format will see Max Verstappen, Lewis Hamilton and the rest of the elite driver grid compete in classics such as Cheeze-Berry Hill, Dino Ride and Mushroom Trip.

Addressing concerns that this new qualifying session could alienate traditional audiences, our insider added: “If you ask traditional F1 fans what they want, they’ll say ‘the return of cross-ply tyres and Vanwall, please. And a nice mug of cocoa’. But Netflix data has revealed new F1 fans really want to watch a group of professional motorsport athletes race each other on children’s tricycles.

“And hey, it’ll still make more sense than the whole ‘sprint race’ format.”