Government ‘won’t stop your dog driving your car’

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

In an unexpected policy U-turn, the government has confirmed it will not stand in the way of letting dogs drive cars.

Addressing the nation today, the Prime Minister laid out plans to take a ‘pragmatic, proportionate and realistic’ approach to the challenges of canine vehicular operation, stating that the best long-term strategy to stop dogs driving cars, was to let dogs drive cars.

The Prime Minister stressed he was “fully committed” to a future in which easily distractible pack animals without opposable thumbs should not be operating high-speed, heavy machinery.

However, he stated he was keen to remove ‘imposing’ government interference, lest it cause a ‘backlash’ that could potentially derail the whole stop-dogs-from-driving-cars movement.

“I know hard-working British people want to do the right thing, and they’re prepared to make sacrifices, like forbidding their beloved dogs from driving them to work,” the PM said. “But it cannot be right for Westminster to interfere so much in people’s way of life, like, for example, when they want their beloved dogs to drive them to work.”

“No one wants to stop dogs driving cars more fervently than me," the PM continued. "But if we continue down this heavy-handed path of forbidding spaniels from taking the wheel of mid-size SUVs, or banning labradoodles from doing the school run in the family's Passat estate, we risk losing the consent of the British people."

Britons appear split on the wisdom of the government’s U-turn. “Woof?” opined Mr Bojangles, a six-year-old Golden Retriever, before ploughing his owner’s Nissan Qashqai into a lamppost.