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M25 closed forever, given same exclusion zone status as nuclear wasteland

Motorway deemed uninhabitable for the next 10,000 years

Published: 05 Jul 2024

Here’s’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The entirety of the M25 will be closed for at least the next 10 millennia after officials concluded the beleaguered motorway was “completely and utterly unfit for human habitation”.

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Recent closures have pushed the M25 - already notorious for its omnipresent traffic jams and massive tailbacks - even deeper into a hell hole of frustration and abject misery, comparable only to the exclusion zone of a nuclear disaster.

Plans are frantically being drawn up to replace the London Orbital Motorway with an even bigger ring road that will also act as a containment structure for the M25, designed to stop the sheer desolation of the abandoned motorway from contaminating the surrounding area.

Human beings could return to the M25 by the year 12,025, by which point it is hoped technology will provide a better transport solution than “sitting nose-to-tail in a metal box with thousands of other schmucks cursing their proximity to the world's most congested city.”

An insider explained: “Despite our best efforts to improve the M25, it’s become clear in the last few days that the situation is irretrievably hopeless. So we’re taking the nuclear option, so to speak. Cut it off from the outside world and wait. Even if it takes a literal age.

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“All manner of ideas have been considered: an additional fifth lane to boost capacity, better rail links to dissuade the use of cars, prison sentences for any crash or breakdown that leads to a lane closure. But our models told us it was all a folly.

“All we can do now is leave it to the healing power of mother nature and the passage of several aeons. By which point we might have left the planet to colonise the universe anyway.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with all of those exposed to the M25, particularly those near the epicentre between junctions 10 and 11.”

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