Nation drives to work in total silence

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The entire road network descended into eerie silence this morning as commuters across the country attempted to come to terms with England’s crushing World Cup semi-final defeat to Argentina.

Ordinarily busy junctions, trunk roads and streets became a muted procession of vehicles in scenes not seen since the Covid pandemic, with millions of drivers processing a familiar mix of anger and frustration having witnessed the Three Lions sit back on a 1-0 lead in vain for the umpteenth time.

Radio stations have reported record-low audience figures and listener engagement, with some rumours suggesting TalkSport was forced to hire a string of paid voice actors to pad out its post-match football phone-in.

Meanwhile the AA, the RAC and Green Flag say they’ve responded to an unusually high number of roadside breakdowns, although 90 per cent of those are thought to be emotional not mechanical.

TopGear.com approached dozens of motorists to comment on the situation, but all but one merely sat stationary gazing into the far distance, as though overwhelmed by the enormity of their grief.

One man, who couldn’t muster the inner strength to confirm his name, said after several minutes of silence: “Well… we’ll always have that Djed Spence tackle, won’t we?” The gentleman then burst into tears.

Elsewhere, road traffic volumes in Scotland and Wales are believed to have increased tenfold in areas known to sell fireworks.