Report: Peak District to send illegally parked cars to Alcatraz

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Cars parked illegally and irresponsibly in the UK’s picturesque Peak District will be detained and then shipped to Alcatraz, according to sources.

The revolutionary new project to curb the county’s congestion plague comes as authorities grapple with expanding numbers of motorists unable to deploy the most basic tenets of common sense when parking.

The proposed reopening of the notorious American prison piqued the interest of local leaders because its secure island location off the coast of San Francisco was the perfect place ‘to send all those bloody SUVs’.

“We’ve tried the gentle, softly-softly approach: some signs, a few friendly social media posts, a couple of parking wardens directing the flow of traffic, that sort of thing,” a source close to the project said.

“Literally none of it worked. Humankind’s propensity to block major road arteries by parking carelessly for the sake of a terrible TikTok video knows no bounds, and we are doomed as a species.

“No longer will our beautiful Peak District be plagued by those who will never in our lifetime learn the ability to park sensibly, coherently and with respect for the surrounding environment.

“A two-tonne crossover will need more than a bent spoon and a papier-mâché head to escape from that abandoned hellhole,” they added.

Alternative plans involved building a really massive wall to block the stunning landscape from view. “Let’s be honest, this is not the most unhinged thing you’ve heard, is it,” the source said.