Smart #5 Brabus - long-term review

Last time, I briefly mentioned that the Smart #5 Brabus can accelerate from 0-60 as quickly as a Ferrari F40. Which, the more I think about it, is completely ridiculous. So, what’s it actually like living with that amount of power in a family SUV?

Well, to tame the mayhem the Brabus comes festooned with five driving modes: Eco, Comfort, Sport, Brabus and for an unexplained reason, Off Road. If you are taking this thing properly off road you’ve probably made a wrong turn somewhere. Or crashed because you attempted to race a supercar.

It’s the Brabus mode that unleashes full power all the time. In Comfort mode you still have access to the maximum 637bhp, but there’s a clever little resistance point about three-quarters of the way through the throttle’s travel. Push past it and you unlock the remaining fury. I’m finding it a smart trick that helps keep battery consumption sensible while keeping that ultimate hit of acceleration in reserve in case I need that overtake…

Switch on the Brabus mode in the overstimulating, overly large and complex centre screen and things get a bit ridiculous. The acceleration is properly head pinned to the headrest stuff. The sort of performance that can make your passengers giddy, holding on for dear life and feeling queasy all at the same time. It’s almost too quick for a mid-size SUV.

And that’s not all. There’s even launch control. Naturally, zany ol’ Smart has relabelled it Rocket Launch. You get a neat little audio countdown for the full effect. But the sound-related gadgets don’t stop there. You can turn on the different ‘engine mode sound effects’ played though the 1,190-watt Sennheiser sound system.

I’ve sampled them on your behalf. Unfortunately, they are all terrible and every bit tacky as it sounds. The ‘traditional engine’ setting resembles something from a particularly bad Nineties computer game. There is one redeeming feature: accelerate hard, lift off, and you get an exhaust backfire piped into the cabin. Absurd, but the kids absolutely loved it. Dad quite likes the ridiculous power, even if it does kill the battery…