The gargantuan new Audi Q9 is officially too large for London

Pray silence please for the new Audi Q9, or as it’s described in the press release and as such will henceforth be known as “the largest Audi of all time”.

And yes, it really is chuffing massive. At 5.31m long, 2.21m wide and 1.81m tall, THE LARGEST AUDI OF ALL TIME is 50cm longer than a standard UK parking space and too wide to fit through even the larger 7ft (2.13m) width restrictors in London. Yikes.

There’ll be no mistaking it from the front either, because the grille on the standard car is an absolute monster with giant vertical vanes that make it look a little like it’s wearing an oversized Hannibal Lecter mask. S Line trim apparently replaces that with “a bolder Singleframe featuring an open design without slats, a more pronounced lower front end and an accentuated rear spoiler".

Speaking of the rear, it’s actually quite boxy back there, and of course you’ve got a full width lightbar and an illuminated Audi logo. We’re also promised ‘curved digital OLED rear lights’ that can project a second indicator signal onto the road beneath them. Y’know, just in case you hadn’t spotted THE LARGEST AUDI OF ALL TIME.

The alloy wheel options range from 20 to 23-inchers, while adaptive air suspension is standard fit with a ride height that can be adjusted by up to 90mm. There’s also rear-wheel steering to improve the manoeuvrability of THE LARGEST AUDI OF ALL TIME.

Oh, and Audi makes no mention of any off-road ability for the Q9, although we are promised seven different drive modes so you can presume that at least one of those will allow you to cope with a little bit of rough stuff. There’s quattro permanent all-wheel drive of course, with power coming from a 3.0-litre turbodiesel making 295bhp and 465lb ft of torque for Euro buyers.

Mild-hybrid tech lends a helping hand, with a starter generator that can support the diesel with an extra 24bhp. There’s also a new electrically powered compressor that builds up boost pressure to 3.6 bar in 1.2 seconds for better responses. Plus, we’re told that some European markets will get another variant with the same engine making just 242bhp and 369lb ft. Sounds a bit weedy.  

Then again, THE LARGEST AUDI OF ALL TIME doesn’t want to be defined by its powertrain. “In the future, ‘Vorsprung durch Technik’ will increasingly be defined by the in-car experience – because cars are much more than just a means of transportation,” says Audi boss Gernot Döllner. “For many of our customers, they are becoming mobile living spaces. That is exactly what the Audi Q9 represents as the new flagship of our portfolio. Premium materials, individual electric seats in the second row, and automatic doors underscore our commitment to quality in the interior.”

Kinda done our job for us there, hasn’t he? Although Audi released details of the Q9’s interior back in May, so you already knew that it was getting six or seven seat options, a 4D Bang & Olufsen sound system, auto doors that can be operated via an app and THE LARGEST-EVER PANORAMIC SUNROOF IN AN AUDI.

Many screens too, of course. The cockpit features a 12.3in driver display, a 14.5in central infotainment screen that runs Android Automotive OS, and a standard 12.3in passenger display. We’re also told that “voice control has been significantly enhanced”.

All of the chairs slide, fold and tilt electronically, and there are plenty of posh materials available including alpaca fibre, Nappa leather, Dinamica, carbon fibre and wood. Audi also points out that “just like the car itself, the front cupholders are also generously sized – for example, to accommodate the tumblers that are popular in the USA”. But wait, are they THE LARGEST CUPHOLDERS OF ALL TIME?