Porsche Cayenne Coupe Electric review

Well the base Cayenne Coupe Electric, S and Turbo are £86,200, £103,100, and £133,300 apiece, so you can guarantee it’ll be more than each of those. Because Porsche is the master of the options list mark-up. In any case, they’re all about £3k more than the SUV.

As standard you get 20in aero wheels, matrix LEDs, eight-way adjustable front seats, a heated steering wheel and heated front seats, 10-speaker audio system, the clock on the dashboard and a lap timer (because reasons), the panoramic roof, adaptive air suspension, two-zone automatic climate control and all the ADAS.

The S upgrades the powertrain, and welcomes the Push-to-Pass function as well as red brake calipers and a different alloy wheel design.

The Turbo adds the full bunker buster motors, 21in wheels, even more exuberant LED headlights, 18-way adjustable sports seats, heated seats in the rear, surround sound from Bose and several visual alterations that gently tell the world that you’ve bought The Fast One.

Then we’re into the optional stuff… strap in. You can blow up to £3k on paint, 21in and 22in alloys cost as much as £3,600 (add colour for another grand), various interiors are priced to nearly £4k, the Lightweight Sports Package is £13,190 (!), the Interior Style Package is £8,743, Variable Light Control for the pano roof is £2,808, the HUD £1,954, Burmester over Bose audio is £4,851... we could genuinely go on all day. The mind boggles.

And then there’s the mechanical stuff: rear-axle steering (£1,389), torque vectoring (£1,215), Porsche Active Ride (£6,799), carbon ceramic brakes (at least £7,592). Maybe check if there’s a Euromillions rollover this week.

I need some consumer advice.

Let’s stay on planet Earth and say you probably don’t need the Turbo. Settle for the S, finish it in a nice colour and add the torque vectoring and active ride, and maybe the Bose stereo if you feel like spoiling yourself. That just about crests £115k. Still too steep? Stick with the entry car and you might just bring it home under six figures.

Just for fun, we tried to load up as much stuff as possible onto the Turbo on the configurator, and we got the asking price about £186k before we got bored. Blimey O’Reilly.