Porsche Cayenne Coupe review

A totally pointless addition to the automotive landscape. Or the Porsche you’ve been waiting years for. Which way you swing – and we hardly suspect you dwell in the middle – will depend on how you view the modern phenomenon of the SUV coupe. We’re looking at you, Audi Q8, BMW X6, Mercedes-Benz GLE Coupe, Range Rover Velar et al.

It’s a minor miracle it took Porsche until the Cayenne’s third generation to add one to the line-up. While not quite the pioneer of the posh performance SUV movement, the Stuttgart firm was certainly a proponent of it. But the Coupe has had a thorough refresh alongside its more practical sibling (now dubbed the Cayenne SUV) and is fighting fit in a perplexingly bustling marketplace.

All subjective baggage should probably be left at the door; the sheer sales figures and profit margins achieved by chamfering off your 4x4’s roofline and sportifying its looks cannot be argued with, no matter how much of an enthusiast brand you are. Which isn’t to say Porsche hasn’t employed its spin department in an effort to win us luddites over nonetheless. ‘The design takes up the iconic silhouette of the 911,’ apparently. We’ll let you make your own mind up on how successfully that’s been achieved.

Details, please.

The rear accommodation comprises a pair of sculpted sports seats as standard, but you can spec a three-seat bench if you need it. The roof is vast panoramic glass but can be switched to sculptured carbon if you're worried about a drastically raised centre of gravity (as part of an £11,000 package, mind you).

Beyond that there’s a dizzying array of chassis and tech options to spend hours of your time (and thousands of your pounds) configuring online, many of them designed to shortcut the dynamic penalties a car so big and heavy can’t help but incur. On which note: it’s a weeny bit heavier than a regularly roofed Cayenne.

What’s under the bonnet?

Power comes from a mix of turbocharged petrol powertrains, some of them hybridised and all shared with the Cayenne SUV. All get a standard eight-speed automatic gearbox that’s better prepared for towing than Porsche’s usual PDK, too.

There are three pure petrols in the shape of the V6-powered £73k, 348bhp Cayenne and V8-powered £88k, 468bhp Cayenne S and £105k, 493bhp Cayenne GTS. But if you’re on something resembling a company car scheme – or simply want to appease your conscience when bimbling around town – the three hybrids are likely more appealing. Two come with V6s; the £82k, 464bhp Cayenne E-Hybrid and £90k, 512bhp Cayenne S E-Hybrid, which also gets plusher air suspension as standard.

But the headlines go to the frankly mad £133k, 729bhp Cayenne Turbo E-Hybrid. It pairs the same 172bhp electric motor and 25.9kWh battery as those other hybrids to a twin-turbo V8 for 0-62mph in comfortably under four seconds. Not least if you’ve spent another twenty grand on the optional GT package, exclusive to the Coupe.

Wait, what happened to the Turbo GT?

See, tightening emission regulations mean Porsche can no longer sell its motorsport department Cayenne Turbo GT in Europe, so as a halfway house we get a similar dynamic makeover – lower suspension, wider tracks, gnarlier front camber and so much RaceTex faux-suede inside you could have retrimmed your living room with it – that also happens to slice 100kg from the kerbweight.

Alright, it’s still a 2.5-tonne car, but it does cut the 0-62mph time to 3.6 seconds. Slower than the old Turbo GT, would you believe. But with the ability to go 50 miles on pure electric power, this is more of an all-rounder.

Objectively, this is a stupendous achievement: another large, very heavy SUV that genuinely drives with sports car(ish) vigour. Subjectively? That’s your call. If the swelling ranks of low-slung SUVs haven’t grotesquely offended you then this could be the Cayenne you’ve been waiting for.

Its existence is as vain as you might imagine: a Cayenne that’s more expensive, less roomy and not tangibly sharper to drive in real-world conditions. While the Panamera Sport Turismo justifies its price premium over standard with a genuine surge in practicality, the Cayenne Coupe appears to attempt the opposite. But if you get this class of car, that’ll hardly matter one jot. All with the added bonus of being able to buy one with some Porsche GT department knowhow shovelled into it. Told you it was silly.